Maternal Pangs

I know of quite a few people who are currently pregnant. And it's beautiful to me. I'm excited to see their new babies. I absolutely adore children. But this influx of people I know who are pregnant/getting ready to have children is effecting me. It isn't the first time I've had these either, but they're a little irritating ^^;;;

I know there is no rule book saying that there needs to be a second parent in the family and I could get by with not having one. I would prefer it. Especially since I want four children. My friend threatened to eat my fifth child should I have one lol. But in all seriousness, four is pretty hefty. There won't be a full on explanation of how I want to raise my children, but there will be no fast or processed scinecenese food. No Soda or non-organic juice.

Right now....it isn't that I couldn't afford to have one. Since I still currently live with my parents, they would help, but I have plans. Getting through college is one of them. And you know having a job. Now if by some happening I get pregnant before getting my degree I'd still have my child. I'm pro-choice, but I wouldn't personally have an abortion, unless it was absolutely necessary.

Do any of you Gals ever have maternal pangs?

Before bed post

I promise I wasn't as pissy as I look in this photo. But in the past couple days I've been cleaning. I'm a bit of a pack rat and have been for a long time. Right now I'm just tired though. Part of it being my sleep schedule I know, but I'm sure there's more to it. I didn't celebrate on the Spring Equinox, but plan to celebrate Easter instead. Although the Year began almost three months ago, I have thing I want to accomplish. One of them is getting over my fears of being watched. I really have an issue with it. I will even cover magazines in the bathroom. I don't feel like I can really enjoy myself dancing in my room. Maybe it'll be better since I figured out how to get the door to shut completely and can lock it.   I really want to hoop. Been trying off and on for a couple years. My room isn't big enough to do so. Outside is best....but my brothers have a habit of watching...and it's really nerve wracking. Especially when I don't notice them. It's like some off-stage form of stage fright. Yes I know that sentence is contradictive.


What I really need is a full cleanse. I need to eat better, think better, live better. Somewhere in the darkest parts of myself I have pushed all my problems there because I didn't know how to deal with them. All I can do now is just let them go. Would probably be part of a seven day cleanse. The one part that will be difficult is the food part. Since I don't work currently and have no money to my name, the only person I can at least attempt to get help from is my mom. My dad and brothers poke fun at me and my wanting to eat healthy and are sorta ass backwards in their "understanding." I know sometimes they mean well, but I'm overly sensitive sometimes and don't take things too well. I may even push pass 7 days and do an entire month. I have the knowledge and internet at my disposal. But I really need the support and will power.

My mind is my biggest problem. There is many years of self-doubt and second guessing. Self-hate and believing the negative word of others with very few voices to say otherwise.  I'm trying not to get too emotional while writing this. I don't really want to be crying again since it's what kept me from sleeping a couple nights ago. I need to meditate at least 15 minutes a day. Take time to just not think too damn much. It's probably one of my biggest problem. From the time I wake till I go to sleep. It's also the source 95% of stress I have. Hell I'm too straight laced for my own good. Always been that way. Always too afraid to disobey my parents, didn't drink till I was 21. I don't smoke...anything, though if I did I'd probably be much happier. I don't much care for the smell of weed though...perhaps something else that's natural...with supervision. My family thinks it would be funny to see me rather unhinged.

The body is the second biggest problem. Not gonna talk goals just history with trying to lose weight. I always hated gym class. When I was younger I really didn't care about my body at all. I would eat after school and then just go right to sleep. Taking a shower just seemed like a pain in the ass and I only did it because it was necessary. I couldn't fit the cute trendy clothes which made me feel even worse and the clothes I did like that I could wear my parents made fun of. I was the goth girl ( who am I kidding I still am.) and lolita style. Strangely lolita was the one style no one in school really questions. Probably because I was the only one in school and I got a lot of compliments. I still like it, but I'd have to make it a little more adult for my liking. About three years ago When I first really started losing weight, I got into a bad spot. I was very obsessive about how much I lost. I would weigh myself before and after going to the bathroom in the morning and after just about every meal. I had the only FDA approved weight loss pill out there ( which is no fucking fun at all, but it does work.), but I monitored my eating habits like a fiend. I was a calorie counter and would rarely go past about 1000 calories sometimes less. Drank green tea and water most of the time. Senna tea was a regular not that I needed it. My system is pretty regulated. I would work out 4 hours a day. Before or after work depending on my schedule. I knew it was really bad when I took an enema. I even made one since it's really nothing more than salt water. But I was losing weight. When I hit the plateau and couldn't get past it for months I stopped. I had burned out. It was about 6 months. If I had known how to break the plateau back then my hard work wouldn't have been in vain. Though I would try to start up I couldn't keep with it. And I still have issues with weighing myself and even checking my measurements way too frequently. I have much more knowledge now.


 My baby brother said he'd be my work out buddy. Not sure how well that will work out, and he won't go out in the cold, so I'll probably start without him. I just have to let go and do what I know has worked for me. One of those activities is dancing. I know the body type I have. Will most likely have to go back on the weight loss pill much too my dismay. But my kid brother cooks with way too much butter and oil. And I don't get too cook often mostly because they keep saying I make diet food -_________-;;; I'm just very particular about how I prepare my food. I really want my family to eat better, but they're really stubborn. My baby brother is the only one who isn't over weight, he wants to be fit especially since he intends on joining the Air Force. But I can't even get them to give up soda. I haven't had soda in about 5 years now, maybe longer. Seltzer and Sparkling water help when I need fizz, but even then it's rare. But my choices of drink are limited. Sometimes all we have is kool-aid. I don't drink from the tap because it tastes like chlorine. I'm only one person though. I can't force them, but I feel like sometimes I'm being forced to eat a way I don't want to. Portion sizes can only take me so far and I'm not even a vegetarian. Though are times I will forgo meat until dinner. Which is pretty good. I'm just really hoping for some kind of change.


So right now my list of goals for 30 days:

• Make exercising a habit, 30 minutes minimum 
• Make meditation a habit. 
• Regulate my sleeping habits. 
• Reduce my sugar intake ( seriously it's pretty terrible.) 
• Put myself first.
• Get back into yoga.
• Fix my eating. 

The eating thing...Even if it isn't clean as I would like it. I can at least stop some of my more terrible habits, which includes eating way too fast and going back for thirds. There are some foods in which I would like to have seconds at dinner. Usually foods that we don't have too often like baked mac and cheese. Late night eating needs to stop as well. Less sweets. This is my worse habit I think. I love cakes and cookies. I prefer homemade stuff, but I have very poor self-control when it comes to edible sweets being in the house. Something always goes well with milk or hot tea. I also have problems with sugar. White sugar I loathe but it's all we have. Usually if I have a substitute, like Stevia or honey, I'm pretty okay. And even almond milk helps me use less sugar. I don't think I can just give up having a sweetener for tea or oatmeal which are my staples. Even as a coffee fiend it's something I prefer to have on weekends as a treat. But I need my tea. 

Well time for bed. It's almost 5 in the morning and I have a lot of prep work and stuff to do tomorrow. 

Personal Post Rant/Venting

I have been cleaning and organizing my altars since yesterday. My main one, plus two small ones on top of my the book shelf ( That holds more than just my magick books currently. ) One for the faeries and the other  for Lord Ganesha. I've got others to work on, including one for a few Egyptian deities, and another that's on that is opposite my main altar. It feels good to clean these area and I'm liking how they're coming together. Currently the main altar is dressed for spring. I had a horrendous wave of depression two nights ago as I tried to go to sleep, and ended up taking a three hour nap at about 9 in the morning. So this was definitely needed.

But my brother came to me about an hour ago talking about working at a walmart in Deleware.
Now I'm not anti-social just awkward and anxious. As I've stated in a previous post I rarely get out for social occasions with friends. In fact it has been well over a year since I've hung out with friends...It's pretty damn sad. However the idea of having to move down to DE even for a seasonal job doesn't sit well with me at all. I know my parents would probably say you're just going to work even if it's a few months what's the big deal.

The big deal is, that my internet connection is the only real communication with friends. My closest friends live in various other places in which I don't have the means to visit, but I talk to them online regularly. My grandparents have internet, but it's only for their computer, and I don't think they'd pay for a router just because I'm there. It's not for a week or even two weeks. It's for 2-3 months maybe longer...I cannot deal with lack of internet even if it's mainly for social connections. I don't make friends easily in person. And going to a McDonalds at hours of the day I'm sure would not be appreciated by my grandparents. This also means I will be away from my sewing machine, altars and game systems. I'm sure my dad would fuss and say I don't need to bring my "Life's Story" with me if I end up going. I love my grandparents, but I can't really go months without my internet. Even just outside the social thing, I use my internet for art inspiration, and when something peaks my interest. And if I need information it's right at my finger tips. Truth is when I'm home and awake, the internet is my connection to everything else.  Not ashamed to say I depend on the internet, because let's face it even the libraries are going to have outdated or no information on most of what I'm interested in.  The whole idea irks me ...I know I sound like a child complaining/ranting like this. But this is a pretty big deal, and while yes it would be nice to not be under my parents roof, being under my grandparents roof wasn't the next option I'd have in mind.

Body aspirations

Well this isn't a post about weightloss, it isn't a secret that I'm trying to lose some weight. This is more about body modifications. I am not heavily modified in my opinion. I've only got two tattoos, one which I'm gonna have to retire...don't worry it'll be back. But I've got 4 piercings in each ear and one 00 stretched ear ( I have to redo the other one and have yet to re-pierce the left one to start.) I want more though. Not sure how well it would work for a girly style as Hime Gyaru or even Lolita, but I want sleeves. I have some idea as to how I want them too look, but nothing too concrete yet. But here are some tattoos I want to get soon.

Yes I do like other written languages that aren't Japanese. But I also love what they say. I want both, one on the top of each wrist. These speak to me personally And I really can't wait to get them.

 The Auryn, is right from my childhood. Placement wise I don't know where I'd get it ( if I can't get it tattooed I'll get a necklace haha.) The Neverending Story is probably one of my favorite movies of all times and I watch it. A lot.

Bumblebee. This cute little fuck guy. I just cannot. Look at the fuzzy little bugger.  But me and my other intend to get one each. Bumblebees are really sweet and aren't as nasty as many people think. Me and mom just have to find a good artist in Jersey. Not sure if this is the exact picture I will use, but it's still cute. I would also like to get a back piece, my own design of course, I just need to err flesh it out so to speak. Lol. Sorry I was never one for getting a flash tattoo, although I don't have amazing work (yet) done, I think flash tattoos are a cop out and just about anyone can have them. I want a chest piece ( yet another thing my mother tells me not to get.) Will probably get one when I'm on my own, of what not sure. That is quite a commitment piece and requires a great deal of contemplation so I have no regrets.


Now two mods I don't think I need to really have pictures for are pointed ears and  fangs. Two things I have wanted since I was a child. My ears are mildly pointed on their own but I want them to be more pointed. I know there are two methods. The most common involves cutting and and some stitching, the other  is reshaping which I need to learn more about. Fangs. I actually have an estimate for. And is at the top of the list modification wise since it's probably going to be the least painful.

Now to keep people from being to squeamish I found some already healed pieces. But scarification is so beautiful. I really love to get some work done incorporated in my sleeve and another portion of my body, later on. I find it fascinating but I'm probably gonna need some support getting this work done. 

She is so adorable. 

More work I want done but have to wait till I'm out on my own and established is my philtrum or the piercing more commonly known as a Medusa.

This just a sampling. I've been debating getting tattoos on my legs, If I'd did it would most likely be on the upper thigh and maybe the ankle. I'm not really into leg tattoos for myself. 

Gyaru Questions.

Just some questions I have.


How closely do you Gal's follow the current trends?

For me personally since there aren't many plus Gyaru Models I have slightly different rules I need to follow clothing wise. But I personally don't like the idea of following an outfit right to the T either. I know some Gal's will wear the same outfit their fave model wears with no deviation. And it personally irks my soul, even you look good. I don't understand it.

Which leads to the next question.
 If you do follow trends, what percentage of it is incorporated into your wardrobe/coordinate?

Not every trend is that great and some past trends still work well to me. I still have fox tails. ( Actually I had one before they were hottest thing to get...and I know that sounds hipsterish, I'm being honest....I am also not a hipster .____.)

How about color palates?
It seems every style has set colors and maybe even prints that I see little deviation from, Aside from wanting a particularly goth wardrobe that I can use in each of my preferred styles or wear just as is. I also love my colors whether it's clothes, makeup or hair. And I'm no stranger to either bright and bold or soft pastels. With the exception of maybe gyaru kei or Amekaji, some styles seem to have the same color schemes and pattern usage. For example. Onee Gyaru. I mostly see black, white, brown, silvers, some animal print, usually leopard. Maybe I'm missing some Western Gal's who break out of this color scheme but what about cobalt blues or mustard yellow?

And with makeup in mind.
Is it possible to do gyaru makeup with some colors beside maybe pink, neutral tones, and blacks, greys, silvers and gold?

My favorite colored eye shadow is electric eel ( which is bright as fuck blue) and I wore it like a fiend. I also really like blue color palates since I have brown eyes. It makes my eyes pop. I guess it's hard to and one would have to sit down and really think about how it would fit with an outfit. Though I have seen a few gals do other colors, there isn't a whole lot.

Hair color....well there isn't much I can say. I have seen a lot when it comes to gyaru and hair. I've seen wild and I've seen tame in a whole spectrum of colors. And wigs are one of the best things ever, whether you have "natural" ( browns, black, blondes, and some reds) hair colors and want a easy change without out totally committing or unnatural and need something a little more natural for another style. The possibilities are quite endless if you know what you're doing. And there are tons of tutorials online to follow on youtube.

Mystical Gal

Silver Lotus bowl holding both fire and water.

I don't really talk about my religion with anyone that doesn't already know. And I figured it would be nice to share a small portion with you guys. It is definitely nice to see Gals who fall under the Pagan umbrella.

I identify as a witch, I guess eclectic would be the best description. I pull and learn from different polytheistic religions. Voodoo is present on both sides of my family as well. I know there are a few Gals who are probably under the Pagan umbrella, which is nice to see. I don't feel so isolated. Now I may not going give out spells or anything like that ^^; But from time to time I may share results or ideas from time to time. And maybe even my tarot readings. But I felt compelled to share with you all, so you can get to know me a little better. I wanted to share one of my established spots with you. I have two others I need to finish. I'm not Wiccan, but it is where I first started.

Just a couple pictures of my altar. It's still dressed for winter ^^;; I need to fix that. Since my particular beginnings started with Wicca I still keep elemental representations in their respective directions mostly out of habit. But It's mine and I'm proud of it.  There is shelving next to which needs to be organized but is housing my Ganesh Statute. I plan to make the top look really lovely though not sure how yet. Probably with gold and silver. Under the altar I keep a plethora of herbs and spices. A lot more I need to include when I have the funds, but I'm quite pleased with the collection so far. And the bottom of the shelving unit houses my books. I am really into herbs, and have quite a few books on them, learning their different uses both for internal and external. I'll do a separate post later on what herbs I do have. I have several tarot deck. My standard stays on the altar in a bag, the others need bags but currently reside on the shelf. And I of course have a small collection of crystals and stones. I prefer very simplistic ways of doing things. Too many distractions to attempt any sort of elaborate ritual, for the time being. But nothing has to be difficult. And even something simple can be a ritual itself.

I'll post more about this here and there.

Review: One 'n Only Argan Oil Hydrating Mask

So last week I tried the Argan oil hydrating hair mask. It was a small sample that I picked up from a local beauty supply store. Now considering that I don't have as much hair anymore since shaving my head down. Undercut an all. This was pretty okay. Excuse my non-made up face and wild hair to come.

This is the packet. It's small. First impressions. I didn't think it would be enough for the amount of hair that I had. Should've done some size comparison shots. But it's a little bigger than my hand. 

Pre-shower hair. Top half is kinda oily. Lower half, mostly ends  dry.
My always dry out first.  Sure my hair would be a lot bigger if it weren't for my undercut ^^;; 

You can kinda see the dryness. 

After shower pre-mask. Sorry for the. Fogginess. Shower steam still swirling. 

Texture shot. 

So I read the directions, a couple times. And didn't follow the  5-10 minute rule. Now let me say this. It smells so nice.
Like it smells like...a really good cologne. And the smell lasts a while on the hair. I mean it's been a week since I used it.  Only when someone is close ( actually sniffing my hair ) will you notice it. But it is really pleasant.

 I didn't get any shots of the product in my hair or the contents in the package. It's white and looks like conditioner. And I had just enough for my hair.

After shots below. I notice there is less frizz happening than my hair normally has after a wash.

 Now before I put in my regular hair oils in, which is to seal in moisture. My hair felt very clean and soft. However I don't know long how long the hydration is supposed to last. Now this may just be me and my particular hair. But if I don't oil my hair shortly after a hair it will start to dry out.  I keep my hair in braids on a day to day when I'm not leaving the house. I will say my hair doesn't feel nearly as oily as it usually does, which is a plus. The top part near my scalp has the least amount of product, oiling wise, but it doesn't feel nearly as dried out, especially since my scarf never stays on at night .___.;.

Final Review:
Price:  9/10
Only because I know there are other sample size products for hair that cost less. But this is Argan oil so it's not cheap

Hydration: 10/10.
I used very little product near my scalp and roots, but the hair still feels nice even a week later.

Packaging: 8/10.
This is being sold in a local beauty supply store where 98% of the customers are Black. While I understand it's a sample size, I think they don't take into account the differences in length or thickness each woman's hair is. Even with my current hair workings, My hair is thick and a little more would have definitely been ideal.

Overall: 9/10
Just two minor things really, but I'd highly recommend this, and in the near future plan to try out more Argan oil products. And would buy this mask again.