I promise I wasn't as pissy as I look in this photo. But in the past couple days I've been cleaning. I'm a bit of a pack rat and have been for a long time. Right now I'm just tired though. Part of it being my sleep schedule I know, but I'm sure there's more to it. I didn't celebrate on the Spring Equinox, but plan to celebrate Easter instead. Although the Year began almost three months ago, I have thing I want to accomplish. One of them is getting over my fears of being watched. I really have an issue with it. I will even cover magazines in the bathroom. I don't feel like I can really enjoy myself dancing in my room. Maybe it'll be better since I figured out how to get the door to shut completely and can lock it. I really want to hoop. Been trying off and on for a couple years. My room isn't big enough to do so. Outside is best....but my brothers have a habit of watching...and it's really nerve wracking. Especially when I don't notice them. It's like some off-stage form of stage fright. Yes I know that sentence is contradictive.
What I really need is a full cleanse. I need to eat better, think better, live better. Somewhere in the darkest parts of myself I have pushed all my problems there because I didn't know how to deal with them. All I can do now is just let them go. Would probably be part of a seven day cleanse. The one part that will be difficult is the food part. Since I don't work currently and have no money to my name, the only person I can at least attempt to get help from is my mom. My dad and brothers poke fun at me and my wanting to eat healthy and are sorta ass backwards in their "understanding." I know sometimes they mean well, but I'm overly sensitive sometimes and don't take things too well. I may even push pass 7 days and do an entire month. I have the knowledge and internet at my disposal. But I really need the support and will power.
My mind is my biggest problem. There is many years of self-doubt and second guessing. Self-hate and believing the negative word of others with very few voices to say otherwise. I'm trying not to get too emotional while writing this. I don't really want to be crying again since it's what kept me from sleeping a couple nights ago. I need to meditate at least 15 minutes a day. Take time to just not think too damn much. It's probably one of my biggest problem. From the time I wake till I go to sleep. It's also the source 95% of stress I have. Hell I'm too straight laced for my own good. Always been that way. Always too afraid to disobey my parents, didn't drink till I was 21. I don't smoke...anything, though if I did I'd probably be much happier. I don't much care for the smell of weed though...perhaps something else that's natural...with supervision. My family thinks it would be funny to see me rather unhinged.
The body is the second biggest problem. Not gonna talk goals just history with trying to lose weight. I always hated gym class. When I was younger I really didn't care about my body at all. I would eat after school and then just go right to sleep. Taking a shower just seemed like a pain in the ass and I only did it because it was necessary. I couldn't fit the cute trendy clothes which made me feel even worse and the clothes I did like that I could wear my parents made fun of. I was the goth girl ( who am I kidding I still am.) and lolita style. Strangely lolita was the one style no one in school really questions. Probably because I was the only one in school and I got a lot of compliments. I still like it, but I'd have to make it a little more adult for my liking. About three years ago When I first really started losing weight, I got into a bad spot. I was very obsessive about how much I lost. I would weigh myself before and after going to the bathroom in the morning and after just about every meal. I had the only FDA approved weight loss pill out there ( which is no fucking fun at all, but it does work.), but I monitored my eating habits like a fiend. I was a calorie counter and would rarely go past about 1000 calories sometimes less. Drank green tea and water most of the time. Senna tea was a regular not that I needed it. My system is pretty regulated. I would work out 4 hours a day. Before or after work depending on my schedule. I knew it was really bad when I took an enema. I even made one since it's really nothing more than salt water. But I was losing weight. When I hit the plateau and couldn't get past it for months I stopped. I had burned out. It was about 6 months. If I had known how to break the plateau back then my hard work wouldn't have been in vain. Though I would try to start up I couldn't keep with it. And I still have issues with weighing myself and even checking my measurements way too frequently. I have much more knowledge now.
My baby brother said he'd be my work out buddy. Not sure how well that will work out, and he won't go out in the cold, so I'll probably start without him. I just have to let go and do what I know has worked for me. One of those activities is dancing. I know the body type I have. Will most likely have to go back on the weight loss pill much too my dismay. But my kid brother cooks with way too much butter and oil. And I don't get too cook often mostly because they keep saying I make diet food -_________-;;; I'm just very particular about how I prepare my food. I really want my family to eat better, but they're really stubborn. My baby brother is the only one who isn't over weight, he wants to be fit especially since he intends on joining the Air Force. But I can't even get them to give up soda. I haven't had soda in about 5 years now, maybe longer. Seltzer and Sparkling water help when I need fizz, but even then it's rare. But my choices of drink are limited. Sometimes all we have is kool-aid. I don't drink from the tap because it tastes like chlorine. I'm only one person though. I can't force them, but I feel like sometimes I'm being forced to eat a way I don't want to. Portion sizes can only take me so far and I'm not even a vegetarian. Though are times I will forgo meat until dinner. Which is pretty good. I'm just really hoping for some kind of change.
So right now my list of goals for 30 days:
- Make exercising a habit, 30 minutes minimum
- Make meditation a habit.
- Regulate my sleeping habits.
- Reduce my sugar intake ( seriously it's pretty terrible.)
- Put myself first.
- Get back into yoga.
- Fix my eating.
The eating thing...Even if it isn't clean as I would like it. I can at least stop some of my more terrible habits, which includes eating way too fast and going back for thirds. There are some foods in which I would like to have seconds at dinner. Usually foods that we don't have too often like baked mac and cheese. Late night eating needs to stop as well. Less sweets. This is my worse habit I think. I love cakes and cookies. I prefer homemade stuff, but I have very poor self-control when it comes to edible sweets being in the house. Something always goes well with milk or hot tea. I also have problems with sugar. White sugar I loathe but it's all we have. Usually if I have a substitute, like Stevia or honey, I'm pretty okay. And even almond milk helps me use less sugar. I don't think I can just give up having a sweetener for tea or oatmeal which are my staples. Even as a coffee fiend it's something I prefer to have on weekends as a treat. But I need my tea.
Well time for bed. It's almost 5 in the morning and I have a lot of prep work and stuff to do tomorrow.
This was actually the best photo I could get of the faerie and Ganesha altars lit up. They wouldn't let me have clearer close up even though I really tried. It's all good though.
The altar lit in color. Candle on the far left there is a seven day candle. We generally light them for protection. But they do have some specific meanings when you delve into the different colors. Mine is white with the The Virgin Mary on front.
