Life Updates

I need to make more of these. <3 

So if you guys follow me on twitter or facebook, you'll know I finally got a job. It was about time that's for sure. So now I will be able to save up for things, like clothes. But I have 20% discount at my job...which means funding my sewing projects haha. It's only part time, but that's all good. It will make it easier for the time being. I want to have time to work out and actually do other things. This sounds worse than I intend. But the last job I had, not only were the hours all over the damn place. I almost never had time for anything including social activities. Social activities already have to be planned like days in advanced. Not even sure if clubbing would be in the future. -shrugs-



Anyway I have a few things I would like to get that are needed more or less.

The LG Optimus Elite. I definitely need a new phone. My old one was starting to flip out a bit. I have no luck with contract phones and if I wanted an iPhone I can actually get one from virgin mobile. But this one is nice and with the times lol. I'll just have to get a case to deco to my liking. For 35 bucks a month, which gets me 300 minutes, unlimited data and texting. I have no qualms paying a little extra for a nice phone. I'm sure some of you are wondering why I would choose such low minutes. Truth be told I don't have that kind of talking bug. I never had that habit in high school and have no reason to be talking on a phone all day. Especially when I can just text. The minutes could just be saved for emergencies. -shrugs- 

I also need to by a new tablet. This is a wacom bamboo tablet. It's a little more expensive than my first one, but this is one of the better quality ones under 100 dollar. If I were going to really splurge it would be the one that's 1200 bucks but I can see what I'm drawing on the tablet itself a not have to look at the screen. Not that I have too much trouble doing that. I'll probably get them in the order posted because I technically need the phone first. 

For anything else, it's going into savings. I will be doing line art commissions as soon as I get the new tablet so I can have extra money. Most of my money will be put into savings. And I'll just have a jar to save up for shopping spree of any kind. I haven't really looked into any type of clothing that I would like for the season though I intend on looking into some more expensive bras that will last a little longer. Saving money is probably one of the habits I've never been able to do well. It's something I do to make myself feel better instead of eating. If I could maybe channel that into exercise I might be able to do it. But also...there's always so many tempting things on the internet. Especially since I'm a crafter. But I promise to make an effort to not spend every penny I have on everything I want in that moment. If I have off next weekend I'm hoping to go back to the flea market to maybe get a hookah. And some of my favorite hair products. Yes to Carrot or Yes to cucumber. One of the best hair care products in my opinion. And I plan to splurge on the Iman bb cream at some point. It's gonna be summer time soon and full on foundation is a little too heavy and will melt I'm sure. 

Also apparently sometime soon we're supposed to be moving....not far from where we are now. It's like across  the  roadway. I'm sorta whatever about it. Heard that the rooms are bigger...which is nice. Always could use a bigger room. I would just hope that the damn ceilings/walls aren't as awkward as they are in my room.. I forget what kind of ceiling it is exactly but it puts me in the mind of a barn, the ceiling itself is flat but like half the wall is slanted and it sorta pisses me off. But a new house with more space would be nice. I could probably get some actual dressers. 

Truthfully hoping to have more to post about. Even if I only get out like once or twice a week. Better than nothing. South/Central Jersey and Philly Gals where you at? Loved to hang out. 

Upcoming Posts: 

Hair and makeup evolution. 

Weight Loss progress and a look at my Regimen 

Mentally underwhelmed.

Not leaving the house on a somewhat consistent basis, is very depressing. I've actually still been to scared to leave my house since the incident two weeks ago. Even if there's a chance of encountering those assholes again It's only the second time in my life I've been threatened. The fact that it was racially charged makes it worse. So I apologize for the lack of social posts lol. Me and a best friend had a bit of a heated discussion. Well I consider it heated because it's the first time I feel she's actually been angry at me..like seriously angry. But it made me realize that I don't get a lot of intellectual conversation no matter what the topic it is. True to my geminian nature, I crave knowledge, I love to learn. Even though she's right, we're in a time where certain things there is very little energy to spare on certain topics, I don't have anyone to really converse with on regular basis about anything I find particularly interesting. I feel like someone would either get bored with me,  piss me off, or I'll be in a position where I may not have an answer and possibly look stupid. 

A conversation like I had tonight makes me feel as if I should keep things to myself though. Something I'm used to, but really wish I didn't have to do, more often than not it's personal things, but when it's not personal it just feels lonely. Not that the feeling is completely alien to me either. 

I think right now I'll do just that. Keep things and opinions to myself at least when conversing with friends. 

There's Magick Afoot.

So yesterday was Easter. We didn't really do anything. My mom and brother's sat down for Walking Dead and Game of Thrones. Me... I was up here working hehe. I won't tell you all that I did. But I gave myself a tarot reading, which I have to say was pretty fucking accurate.

 So first let me show you the spaces so far. This of course is the main altar, that I do work at. I found some fabric in my stash, perfect for spring. The stick will  be made into a wand soon. I am an air sign and since I'm not bound to any specific rules I think it's one of the few altar tools I need.

 

 This is a faerie Altar. I need a few more gems. But it has some purple lights that I bought for Halloween a couple years ago. That is an egg candle, which was a semi success ^^;;

 This is a close up of a the faerie bed. It's just a nice place for them to rest should they stop by or in need a rest after working with them. It was an old case for contacts, I just painted the top and sides and dusted with blue and purple glitter.

And here's the spot for Lord Ganesha. It's right beside the faerie altar, mostly due to limited space. Just some golden yellow cloth, with a pink trim. I think it's very fitting considering how simple it is.

Now on to the good parts right? Sorta.  This is just a preview to how the altar looks lit up. I don't have just one deity with whom I work with, there are several. But I do keep chalices. The one on the left is filled with healing spring water, from South Carolina. Can I tell you how delicious that water is. It is so pure and clean. The chalice on the right has sake in it. I didn't know what the spirits and deities would like. And my Sake hadn't been open. And I think it was a good that there was a choice. Some deities do have specifics when it comes to "Adult" beverages and I will honor that when I can.

This was actually the best photo I could get of the faerie and Ganesha altars lit up. They wouldn't let me have clearer close up even though I really tried. It's all good though.

 The altar lit in color. Candle on the far left there is a seven day candle. We generally light them for protection. But they do have some specific meanings when you delve into the different colors. Mine is white with the The Virgin Mary on front.

Close up of the tarot reading that I will allow. Just a three card spread nothing fancy. Though with all the candles going I don't think it would have been great to do something too big ^^;;;  All in all, it was a great night. I had trouble getting to sleep though. I managed 3 hours. Hopefully going to bed early will help with that.

Maternal Pangs

I know of quite a few people who are currently pregnant. And it's beautiful to me. I'm excited to see their new babies. I absolutely adore children. But this influx of people I know who are pregnant/getting ready to have children is effecting me. It isn't the first time I've had these either, but they're a little irritating ^^;;;

I know there is no rule book saying that there needs to be a second parent in the family and I could get by with not having one. I would prefer it. Especially since I want four children. My friend threatened to eat my fifth child should I have one lol. But in all seriousness, four is pretty hefty. There won't be a full on explanation of how I want to raise my children, but there will be no fast or processed scinecenese food. No Soda or non-organic juice.

Right now....it isn't that I couldn't afford to have one. Since I still currently live with my parents, they would help, but I have plans. Getting through college is one of them. And you know having a job. Now if by some happening I get pregnant before getting my degree I'd still have my child. I'm pro-choice, but I wouldn't personally have an abortion, unless it was absolutely necessary.

Do any of you Gals ever have maternal pangs?

Before bed post

I promise I wasn't as pissy as I look in this photo. But in the past couple days I've been cleaning. I'm a bit of a pack rat and have been for a long time. Right now I'm just tired though. Part of it being my sleep schedule I know, but I'm sure there's more to it. I didn't celebrate on the Spring Equinox, but plan to celebrate Easter instead. Although the Year began almost three months ago, I have thing I want to accomplish. One of them is getting over my fears of being watched. I really have an issue with it. I will even cover magazines in the bathroom. I don't feel like I can really enjoy myself dancing in my room. Maybe it'll be better since I figured out how to get the door to shut completely and can lock it.   I really want to hoop. Been trying off and on for a couple years. My room isn't big enough to do so. Outside is best....but my brothers have a habit of watching...and it's really nerve wracking. Especially when I don't notice them. It's like some off-stage form of stage fright. Yes I know that sentence is contradictive.


What I really need is a full cleanse. I need to eat better, think better, live better. Somewhere in the darkest parts of myself I have pushed all my problems there because I didn't know how to deal with them. All I can do now is just let them go. Would probably be part of a seven day cleanse. The one part that will be difficult is the food part. Since I don't work currently and have no money to my name, the only person I can at least attempt to get help from is my mom. My dad and brothers poke fun at me and my wanting to eat healthy and are sorta ass backwards in their "understanding." I know sometimes they mean well, but I'm overly sensitive sometimes and don't take things too well. I may even push pass 7 days and do an entire month. I have the knowledge and internet at my disposal. But I really need the support and will power.

My mind is my biggest problem. There is many years of self-doubt and second guessing. Self-hate and believing the negative word of others with very few voices to say otherwise.  I'm trying not to get too emotional while writing this. I don't really want to be crying again since it's what kept me from sleeping a couple nights ago. I need to meditate at least 15 minutes a day. Take time to just not think too damn much. It's probably one of my biggest problem. From the time I wake till I go to sleep. It's also the source 95% of stress I have. Hell I'm too straight laced for my own good. Always been that way. Always too afraid to disobey my parents, didn't drink till I was 21. I don't smoke...anything, though if I did I'd probably be much happier. I don't much care for the smell of weed though...perhaps something else that's natural...with supervision. My family thinks it would be funny to see me rather unhinged.

The body is the second biggest problem. Not gonna talk goals just history with trying to lose weight. I always hated gym class. When I was younger I really didn't care about my body at all. I would eat after school and then just go right to sleep. Taking a shower just seemed like a pain in the ass and I only did it because it was necessary. I couldn't fit the cute trendy clothes which made me feel even worse and the clothes I did like that I could wear my parents made fun of. I was the goth girl ( who am I kidding I still am.) and lolita style. Strangely lolita was the one style no one in school really questions. Probably because I was the only one in school and I got a lot of compliments. I still like it, but I'd have to make it a little more adult for my liking. About three years ago When I first really started losing weight, I got into a bad spot. I was very obsessive about how much I lost. I would weigh myself before and after going to the bathroom in the morning and after just about every meal. I had the only FDA approved weight loss pill out there ( which is no fucking fun at all, but it does work.), but I monitored my eating habits like a fiend. I was a calorie counter and would rarely go past about 1000 calories sometimes less. Drank green tea and water most of the time. Senna tea was a regular not that I needed it. My system is pretty regulated. I would work out 4 hours a day. Before or after work depending on my schedule. I knew it was really bad when I took an enema. I even made one since it's really nothing more than salt water. But I was losing weight. When I hit the plateau and couldn't get past it for months I stopped. I had burned out. It was about 6 months. If I had known how to break the plateau back then my hard work wouldn't have been in vain. Though I would try to start up I couldn't keep with it. And I still have issues with weighing myself and even checking my measurements way too frequently. I have much more knowledge now.


 My baby brother said he'd be my work out buddy. Not sure how well that will work out, and he won't go out in the cold, so I'll probably start without him. I just have to let go and do what I know has worked for me. One of those activities is dancing. I know the body type I have. Will most likely have to go back on the weight loss pill much too my dismay. But my kid brother cooks with way too much butter and oil. And I don't get too cook often mostly because they keep saying I make diet food -_________-;;; I'm just very particular about how I prepare my food. I really want my family to eat better, but they're really stubborn. My baby brother is the only one who isn't over weight, he wants to be fit especially since he intends on joining the Air Force. But I can't even get them to give up soda. I haven't had soda in about 5 years now, maybe longer. Seltzer and Sparkling water help when I need fizz, but even then it's rare. But my choices of drink are limited. Sometimes all we have is kool-aid. I don't drink from the tap because it tastes like chlorine. I'm only one person though. I can't force them, but I feel like sometimes I'm being forced to eat a way I don't want to. Portion sizes can only take me so far and I'm not even a vegetarian. Though are times I will forgo meat until dinner. Which is pretty good. I'm just really hoping for some kind of change.


So right now my list of goals for 30 days:

• Make exercising a habit, 30 minutes minimum 
• Make meditation a habit. 
• Regulate my sleeping habits. 
• Reduce my sugar intake ( seriously it's pretty terrible.) 
• Put myself first.
• Get back into yoga.
• Fix my eating. 

The eating thing...Even if it isn't clean as I would like it. I can at least stop some of my more terrible habits, which includes eating way too fast and going back for thirds. There are some foods in which I would like to have seconds at dinner. Usually foods that we don't have too often like baked mac and cheese. Late night eating needs to stop as well. Less sweets. This is my worse habit I think. I love cakes and cookies. I prefer homemade stuff, but I have very poor self-control when it comes to edible sweets being in the house. Something always goes well with milk or hot tea. I also have problems with sugar. White sugar I loathe but it's all we have. Usually if I have a substitute, like Stevia or honey, I'm pretty okay. And even almond milk helps me use less sugar. I don't think I can just give up having a sweetener for tea or oatmeal which are my staples. Even as a coffee fiend it's something I prefer to have on weekends as a treat. But I need my tea. 

Well time for bed. It's almost 5 in the morning and I have a lot of prep work and stuff to do tomorrow. 

Personal Post Rant/Venting

I have been cleaning and organizing my altars since yesterday. My main one, plus two small ones on top of my the book shelf ( That holds more than just my magick books currently. ) One for the faeries and the other  for Lord Ganesha. I've got others to work on, including one for a few Egyptian deities, and another that's on that is opposite my main altar. It feels good to clean these area and I'm liking how they're coming together. Currently the main altar is dressed for spring. I had a horrendous wave of depression two nights ago as I tried to go to sleep, and ended up taking a three hour nap at about 9 in the morning. So this was definitely needed.

But my brother came to me about an hour ago talking about working at a walmart in Deleware.
Now I'm not anti-social just awkward and anxious. As I've stated in a previous post I rarely get out for social occasions with friends. In fact it has been well over a year since I've hung out with friends...It's pretty damn sad. However the idea of having to move down to DE even for a seasonal job doesn't sit well with me at all. I know my parents would probably say you're just going to work even if it's a few months what's the big deal.

The big deal is, that my internet connection is the only real communication with friends. My closest friends live in various other places in which I don't have the means to visit, but I talk to them online regularly. My grandparents have internet, but it's only for their computer, and I don't think they'd pay for a router just because I'm there. It's not for a week or even two weeks. It's for 2-3 months maybe longer...I cannot deal with lack of internet even if it's mainly for social connections. I don't make friends easily in person. And going to a McDonalds at hours of the day I'm sure would not be appreciated by my grandparents. This also means I will be away from my sewing machine, altars and game systems. I'm sure my dad would fuss and say I don't need to bring my "Life's Story" with me if I end up going. I love my grandparents, but I can't really go months without my internet. Even just outside the social thing, I use my internet for art inspiration, and when something peaks my interest. And if I need information it's right at my finger tips. Truth is when I'm home and awake, the internet is my connection to everything else.  Not ashamed to say I depend on the internet, because let's face it even the libraries are going to have outdated or no information on most of what I'm interested in.  The whole idea irks me ...I know I sound like a child complaining/ranting like this. But this is a pretty big deal, and while yes it would be nice to not be under my parents roof, being under my grandparents roof wasn't the next option I'd have in mind.

Body aspirations

Well this isn't a post about weightloss, it isn't a secret that I'm trying to lose some weight. This is more about body modifications. I am not heavily modified in my opinion. I've only got two tattoos, one which I'm gonna have to retire...don't worry it'll be back. But I've got 4 piercings in each ear and one 00 stretched ear ( I have to redo the other one and have yet to re-pierce the left one to start.) I want more though. Not sure how well it would work for a girly style as Hime Gyaru or even Lolita, but I want sleeves. I have some idea as to how I want them too look, but nothing too concrete yet. But here are some tattoos I want to get soon.

Yes I do like other written languages that aren't Japanese. But I also love what they say. I want both, one on the top of each wrist. These speak to me personally And I really can't wait to get them.

 The Auryn, is right from my childhood. Placement wise I don't know where I'd get it ( if I can't get it tattooed I'll get a necklace haha.) The Neverending Story is probably one of my favorite movies of all times and I watch it. A lot.

Bumblebee. This cute little fuck guy. I just cannot. Look at the fuzzy little bugger.  But me and my other intend to get one each. Bumblebees are really sweet and aren't as nasty as many people think. Me and mom just have to find a good artist in Jersey. Not sure if this is the exact picture I will use, but it's still cute. I would also like to get a back piece, my own design of course, I just need to err flesh it out so to speak. Lol. Sorry I was never one for getting a flash tattoo, although I don't have amazing work (yet) done, I think flash tattoos are a cop out and just about anyone can have them. I want a chest piece ( yet another thing my mother tells me not to get.) Will probably get one when I'm on my own, of what not sure. That is quite a commitment piece and requires a great deal of contemplation so I have no regrets.


Now two mods I don't think I need to really have pictures for are pointed ears and  fangs. Two things I have wanted since I was a child. My ears are mildly pointed on their own but I want them to be more pointed. I know there are two methods. The most common involves cutting and and some stitching, the other  is reshaping which I need to learn more about. Fangs. I actually have an estimate for. And is at the top of the list modification wise since it's probably going to be the least painful.

Now to keep people from being to squeamish I found some already healed pieces. But scarification is so beautiful. I really love to get some work done incorporated in my sleeve and another portion of my body, later on. I find it fascinating but I'm probably gonna need some support getting this work done. 

She is so adorable. 

More work I want done but have to wait till I'm out on my own and established is my philtrum or the piercing more commonly known as a Medusa.

This just a sampling. I've been debating getting tattoos on my legs, If I'd did it would most likely be on the upper thigh and maybe the ankle. I'm not really into leg tattoos for myself.