A big post about love and stuff.

At the beginning of the year I decided to not really pursue the man that I really really really liked and still really adore. But I needed a break from the craziness and not seeing what results I expected...and not only what I expected but even a friend and her boyfriend had expected. We all thought it would go better than what is actually happening. Although I don't think he's aware. That I've stopped but at the moment he has been going through some stuff and all I can do is be supportive.

But I also decided to take time away from something I've not even truly experienced. Part of it is because I realized I didn't love myself....like almost at all. It's barely a spark of agape, but it's been better this year. I'm following through with a lot o what I need to get done for myself. Slowly but surely. I'm registered for school full time. I have a part-time job and I'm getting better at spending my money. While  there are still things I need and things I need to nip you in the butt, it's better. I was at a point where I felt like maybe I could love myself more if I knew someone else could love me. Which is the worst way to go about things. Don't get me wrong. The man I'm speaking of.... he really meets a lot of what I would want in a mate. Sure he says and does some things that pisses me off, but no one's perfect and I can't get hung on 2 fucking percent. They're not major things either. But he is someone I get along with so well and is into a lot of what I am and shares similar quirks.

But I know some of his insecurities as well and his fears, and I can't change them. It's something that he has to do...and if you're wondering. I do think we fit together very nicely.

This year though I have to focus on other things. I don't know if I will date and really don't know if I could handle it. The idea is enough to make me anxious. I would love to, but I don't have the confidence or enough skill in that area. I didn't date in high school and chasing boys....I need a man, not a boy. I'm 26. Not rushing to get married, but definitely don't know if I have the patience to deal with...just dating different people. Because there is a difference between dating and going steady/being in a relationship type dating.

It's a process and I don't think I can say I envy girls who can just pull any guy they want. Or who've been in different relationships. I just am the type of person that right now I want to meet that one person who I can just be with.  I sound like I'm rambling, but it's what's going on with me and the realm of love.

I am focusing on self-love before I focus on love from another person.